If I Only Had A Doula When…

Posted on: April 20, 2019 | Babies, Body, Information, Loss

I didn’t know it then, but I realize it now.

The support of a doula through my miscarriage would have saved me days of guilt, self-doubt, and helped with my healing. I ran through every possible scenario of what I could have done differently. What I shouldn’t have eaten that day or what activity I should have given up. The feeling were strong.  

Sure having a doula wouldn’t have prevented me from the hand that nature dealt me. Yet somehow knowing that having the emotional support of a doula while lying alone in my room with endless questions flooding my mind, and saved me from answering endless texts, calls, and private messages without guilt. My dark thoughts may have been thwarted and averted, leaving me time to mourn in peace with a woman that was there for ME. To listen to MY sobs. No pushing of an agenda or spewing words of empty thoughts and prayers.

My doula could have helped me understand what was happening in my body as it naturally expelled the uterine lining and fetus. Physically I couldn’t move. I was scared to move. The thought of a baby falling out of my body onto the floor paralyzed me. The idea of seeing a fetus in the toilet frightened me.

I knew I KNEW better, and yet my mind was playing tricks on me.

Maybe she could have said the words that I needed to hear. Maybe she would have looked at me in a way that wasn’t filled with pity. Just maybe I would have been able to express my crazy thoughts without judgement.

My doula would have helped educate me on what a miscarriage looked like with my body. Not just a miscarriage in general, but more specifically, what MY body was doing at that particular time. From the signs and symptoms that I was able to share with her to the emotions that came flooding in and out. All of the science of a miscarriage in a way that was informative and able for me to grasp and understand. Knowing why my doctor advised me to have a waiting period before trying for my rainbow baby.

A doula isn’t a band-aid or a Mrs. Fix-it all. Oh No. She is however the calming presence through the trenches of times. She can do so much more than a band-aid, from the inside-out.

If I only had a doula when…